This week I've been listening to a Brene Brown CD (the shame researcher I periodically mention here) and she was talking about the importance of empathy. She also made a point of distinguishing between sympathy and empathy. To me sympathy is I'm sorry (and I"m glad I'm not in your shoes) and empathy is I'm sorry (and let me try to put myself in your shoes so I can try to better understand what's going on for you). Maybe that's over simplifying and although I could probably come up with my own metaphor to better illustrate this, I will instead turn to an all time favorite borrowed metaphor.
It is from an episode of West Wing in which Josh Lyman has to see a therapist for the PTSD symptoms that he's experiencing. Leo McGarry, the Chief of Staff, sets up the intervention for Josh because he sees him self destructing aound the office. I will post both the video and the script (in case you are somewhere you can't watch a video).
Leo McGarry: [after Josh finishes an intensive therapy session set up by Leo with a trauma therapist, Josh walks past Leo in a nearby hallway of the White House] How'd it go?
Josh Lyman: Did you wait around for me?
Leo McGarry: How'd it go?
Josh Lyman: He thinks I may have an eating disorder...
Leo McGarry: [bemused] Josh...
Josh Lyman: ...and a fear of rectangles. That's not weird, is it?
[pause]
Josh Lyman: I didn't cut my hand on a glass. I broke a window in my apartment.
Leo McGarry: This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, "Hey you, can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."
[pause]
Leo McGarry: Long as I got a job, you got a job, you understand?
Sympathy is dropping a piece of paper into the hole. Empathy is jumping into the dark with your friend. And even if you haven't been in the exact same circumstances, it's the willingness to just be there with your friend because you've been in your own dark place and know there's a way out. Last week at work one of my colleagues was coping with heartache over relationship issues. Instead of saying "it'll get better" or "it's not meant to be" or countless other cliches that are all too easy to say, I told her this. I've known heartache and it just sucks. There are no words that will make you feel better right now, so just know that I care and I'm here if you need anything.
Mostly I think when we fall in a hole, we just want to feel like we're not alone there and that even if it's not completely obvious, there is a way out. That is what empathy means to me.
Until next time...
Peace & Love,
Hope
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