Foreboding Joy

Dear Mom (and my blog readers too!),

I just read this article about the Inner Stoic and it is exactly what Brene Brown is talking about when she refers to foreboding joy.  I know when we have talked about the subject, we have struggled to define it in a way we both understand.  I am hoping this different take on it will help clarify.

The Inner Stoic Takes A Back Seat

July 30, 2013 by Samantha Sutton 

Something that you might not know about me at first glance is that I can be stoic. I am writing about it today because I think this hidden stoicism is more common among us than we know or admit.
My inner stoicism takes the form of not caring about the results that I get. Sure, I commit myself enthusiastically to new projects, roles, and relationships. I do all the right things, and try hard… on the surface. But, at the end of the day, I sometimes deliberately don’t really care if I succeed or not. I make sure that I have a great back-up plan, and then if my original plan fails, I don’t really care because I have the next adventure waiting. And, it probably will be a better adventure than the original one, anyway.

I recently came face-to-face with this “I don’t care” stoic side of me when I tried my hand at organized drag racing. Yes, the sport where you drive as fast as you can down a track, and see who crosses the finish line first. There is a lot of pressure in this sport: you are pitted against an opponent who is trying to intimidate you, you have to make split-second reactions, and the whole thing is over in under 20 seconds. And yet, as I approached the start line, for my first race ever, I was calm. Why? Because in my mind, I had already decided that I didn’t care if I won or not. “This is just a silly sport,” I told myself. “What does it matter if I can drive faster than someone else or not? Soon, this will all be over and I can go out and have a yummy dinner with my man.”

That, my friends, is my inner stoic. It is a brilliant trait to cultivate if you never want to feel disappointment. If I can convince myself that I don’t really care about an outcome, then I don’t feel upset if I lose. Of course, I don’t feel terribly happy if I win, either, but it seems a reasonable trade-off to make.

The problem with having an inner stoic is that there is a huge cost to keeping it around: so long as I convince myself that I don’t really care about something, then I never fully commit to it and make it succeed. I don’t have the fire lit under my butt to make it work, or “die trying.”

Legend has it that when Cortes invaded Mexico, he knew that his men didn’t fully care if they conquered Mexico or not. So what did he do? He sunk his ships so that his men couldn’t ever return from Mexico. They were forced to care because, all of a sudden, they had no back-up plan. And so conquer Mexico they did.


Where in your life are you being the “I don’t care” stoic? What is the truth about how much you care? What do you need to be committing yourself to?

Until next time...
Peace & Love,
Hope

Remembering Calum

Good Morning Folks,

Two years ago today my Godson lost his life in a car accident.  He was 15 at the time.  The car accident was just that, an accident.  There was no foul play involved.  He and four friends were on the highway en route to Six Flags.  The driver was attempting to pull out to pass when she realized there was a car in the passing lane.  In an effort to stay in her lane she over corrected causing the vehicle to roll over.  No charges were pressed and Cal's family took measures to ensure that none were.

This picture was taken on the day of Calum's Baptism - I'm thinking 1998.  I met his mother (holding him in the picture) when she was pregnant with Cal.  She was the scary pregnant lady and I kept my distance.  We were taking a class together and she kept having to run to the bathroom to throw up.  This of course making her not the most social person at the time and thus made her scary to me.  As you can see, ultimately we became friends and I was honored when her and her husband asked me to be Calum's Godmother.

This morning I got up early, put on my tie dyed shirt (Calum loved tie dyed) and Jak and I went to the beach.  Calum's father is a native of Scotland and some of Calum's ashes went in the ocean there.  Today I threw a flower in on this side of the ocean to remember a sweet kid that I was blessed to know. 

The tide was very low this morning making it feel like I could almost walk across the inlet to the lighthouse.  Here are a few pictures from our morning walk:

Let Calum be a reminder to us all that life is short and it is also uncertain.  Live each day to the fullest.  Enjoy the simple beauties that surround us.  Soak up the sunshine and spread the love.  <3

Until next time...
Peace & Love,
Hope

The Art of Asking

Dear Readers,

I am a big fan of TED talks.  If you don't know what they are check them out at www.ted.com . A few months ago I watched the following talk by Amanda Palmer:

The video is 14 minutes long and in my opinion worth the investment of time.  She talks about the struggles of an artist and the vulnerability of having to ask for help.

When I embarked on this journey I told myself two things.  First, I was allowed to feel however I needed to about all this change.  And secondly, it was okay to accept help along the way.  Today I am adding a third thing and that is it's okay to ask for help. 

As I've mentioned many times before the job search is taking longer than I thought.  I applied for what felt like my 300th job yesterday - Aimee says 300th times a charm - let us hope.  My savings are holding out and I'm really trying to save what I have for the essentials.  So.  Deep breath.  I'm putting out a request for some help with non-essentials.  If anyone has one of those credit cards that earns points to be cashed in for gift cards and could send something my way, it would be greatly appreciated.  Perhaps Aunt Mable gave you a WalMart gift card for Christmas and you choose not to shop there, I am not too proud to accept a re-gift.  WalMart and Target here have grocery stores in them so those cards can go a long way. 

To be clear I am not about to be out on my ear or anything.  I'm just trying to make the money I have go as far as it can.  And sometimes the non-essentials are what keep us going.  Like an iced coffee at Dunkin or fries and a Frosty at Wendy's, just the simple things for a treat once in a while.  Anything that I receive I will pay back or pay forward as soon as I can.  And I will write you a first class heartfelt thank you note.

When my dad was here in May he brought me something that at the time I didn't realize I would end up appreciating as much as I do now.  He brought me a box full of his loose change.  The quarters go for laundry and slowly I am starting to use the rest for non-essential treats.  (My bank has a machine that counts it for me...yay!)

Everyone has been so generous to me along the way, which makes it even harder for me to ask for help now.  However I also believe that people are more than willing to help, but without being asked they don't know how to.  I'm not comfortable posting my address here so please email me or ask an immediate family member for it if you would like to send something.  Please and thank you don't cut it, but it's a start.

Until next time...
Peace & Love,
Hope 

Metaphorically Speaking

Dear Readers,

I love a good metaphor.  If I am not the queen of metaphors, I am at least a princess of them.  For some reason, they help my mind process things or put them in a different perspective.

Yesterday I was driving along the highway and it was sunny.  Then it got cloudy and I could see up ahead that there was a rainstorm.  I drove right through it and for a few minutes it was all dark clouds and torrential rain.  But then the rain slowed and the clouds weren't as dark.  And eventually I drove into the sunshine again.

I was thinking that this is really a metaphor for how life is.  One day it's sunny and everything is well.  Then some things happen and it gets a little cloudier.  Before you know it more things happen or the original things become more intense and then you are in a full blown storm.  So you put on your headlights and wipers and try to navigate through it the best you can.  Soon enough the issues of the storm settle down or pass by and though things still seem cloudy for a while, before you know it you are back in the sunshine of life.

As the earth needs real rainstorms in order to nourish and grow, perhaps people need metaphoric rainstorms for the same reasons.  A chance to wash away the surface dirt and give things a brighter perspective on the other side.

On a different note, I cut open my watermelon only to find that it has seeds in it.  Perhaps it makes me spoiled but I am in a place in my life where I do not want to deal with the seeds.  Ugh.  If my conscience didn't get the better of me, it would probably already be in the dumpster.

When life hands you lemons, eat SEEDLESS watermelon.

Until next time...
Peace & Love,
Hope

P.S.  I am going to share one of my most favorite metaphors that I have come up with.  Only a chosen few have had the privilege of hearing this because it takes a certain sense of humor to appreciate it.  I'm going to trust that it will make most of my readers chuckle.

Life is like taking a poop.  If you try to force it to happen you end up strained and uncomfortable with very little results.  If you allow it to happen naturally there is satisfaction and appreciation.  And some days it just comes flying at ya and all you can do is hang on till it's over.

Uncle

Notice to the Universe:

I am saying uncle.  I would cry it but I'm out of tears.  Enough already!  Seriously.

Here's the thing, yesterday just sucked.  Today I am trying to be more positive and process through the happenings of the past few days.  I got up this morning and got out to do some errands.  Too much sitting around doesn't help an overactive mind.  When I just came back a few minutes ago, I was walking down the sidewalk carrying a 40 pound bag of dog food and there was a snake in front of my neighbor's apartment.  He was probably 6-8 feet away from me.  I don't do well with snakes, 6-8 yards would be too close.  He was looking at me.  I said this to him, "Dude, really?"  I stood not moving.  Trying to decide.  Retreat to my car or continue on.  I got brave and put one foot in front of the other and continued on.  Only to realize the key to my apartment was still in my car and I would have to walk past two more times.  Which I did and just kept my eyes on my direct path.

When I was safely settled into my apartment, I sat down to check my email to see that a job I applied for that I was really interested in but hadn't interviewed for, has been filled.  This is on the heels of finding out yesterday that I also didn't get the previously mentioned job that I interviewed for.

Uncle.  It's time to laugh instead of cry.  I can think the Universe is working against me or I can think it is conspiring in my favor to bring me where I need to go.  Bless the broken road, because maybe it is leading to the yellow brick road.  And bless the snake as well for he gave me the opportunity to put my fear aside and continue on my path. 

And now I say, when life hands your lemons, eat watermelon.  Because watermelon makes everything a little better. 

Until next time...
Love & Peace,
Hope

Feeling It All

Dear Readers,

Something that I have tried to do in writing this blog is to not only share the ups in my journey here but to also share the downs.  I think in general people tend to put more emphasis when things are good, but what really reaches out to our fellow human beings is when we share the not so good.  Because it makes us feel less alone. This past weekend there were a lot of tears and there was more sleeping than usual because that's how I cope.  The more positive thing I do when I'm feeling low is watch Brene Brown's TED talks because in some new way they always makes me feel better.

Last night her words that resonated with me most were that in order to live wholeheartedly we have to be vulnerable.  And in order to be vulnerable we have to be willing to feel.  And in being willing to feel that means both good and bad.  Society today lends itself to numbing our feelings (drugs, alcohol, shopping, perfectionism, working too much, etc.).  The point Brene makes is this, you can't selectively numb feelings.  If you numb the bad, you're numbing the good too. 


So this is where I'm at right now.  In gratitude for the grace to feel, the good and the bad.  Because feeling is what life is really about.  About an hour ago, Brene Brown tweeted the following:

"The greatest vulnerability challenge: Our capacity for wholeheartedness = our willingness to be brokenhearted."  

To really feel joy, we must be willing and able to feel heartbreak.
Until next time...
Peace & Love,
Hope

3 Month Review

Dear Friends, Family, Unknown Readers and Picture Seekers,

Three months ago today, Jak and I moved into our apartment and officially started a new chapter.  In an ideal world the above picture would be an award worthy, self portrait depicting the life of a girl and her dog living and learning by the sea.  In reality I'm performing some sort of wrestling move on Jak to get him to look even remotely in the direction of the camera.  In my glasses you can see my arm holding the camera and in the background, a sani-can. 

I think the picture has charm and since we don't live in an ideal world, I also think it is an honest representation of how life really is here.  On the other side of the above mentioned picture qualities, the sky is blue, the sun is shining, I've got the makings of a grin on my face and Jak is well enough to be back at the beach.  All things to be thankful for.

If I were to rate my time here on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being epic fail and 10 being on top of the world, the first number that came into my head is 8.  Sure everyday hasn't been an 8 but I'd say most days range in the 6-8 bracket with only a few being a 4 or 5.  And those weren't even whole days.

Yesterday I was enjoying this (you're welcome to those who received this picture individually - I do wish you could have been at DQ with me!)...

A hot fudge milkshake, my favorite!  While I was indulging I was thinking about when I first arrived here and Dairy Queen had a help wanted sign out which I saw and ignored it because I thought I'd be employed in no time.  So there I sat wondering how life might be different if I had been working at the DQ for the past few months.  I am qualified, I paid my dues scooping ice cream in high school.  They don't call me Scoop for nothing! 

It would be a fair assessment that the job search has been my biggest stressor here.  I just didn't anticipate it would take this long.  However, as previously stated, this is not an ideal world and things take time.  I am doing okay financially, I live frugally with or without an income.  It is tough to watch my savings go, although I knew it was possibility going into this.  The thing about having a game plan or a Plan A or whatever you want to call it, is that life happens.  There's just no way to anticipate what or who might show up on our paths.  And when the unanticipated does happen, I'm not so sure it's about having a Plan B but maybe more so having the flexibility to go with the flow and bend with Plan A as necessary.

Bottom line, I'm glad to be here.  The job will come.  There will always be good days and bad days so the lesson is do what you love or be in a place you love to be.  Everything else will work itself out.

Here's a couple more pictures I took today.  So much natural beauty to be grateful for and I am!

Next review at 6 months.
Until next time...
Peace & Love,
Hope

P.S.  This was the best I could do at getting him to pose.

Strange But True

Greetings One and All,

I am sitting here waiting for the rain to pass so I can ride my bike down to pay my utility bill.  Yes, I could drive but it's not that far and I'm usually up for some exercise.  As I was applying for yet another job this morning, I have been debating an update on my resume to include "Professional Job Applicant".  Yesterday I applied for work at a large chain store and as part of the application process I had to take a ten minute timed test that gave me flashbacks to my SAT's.  It had algebra questions on it for crying out loud.

The weekend included the usual stuff; laundry, getting caught in the rain walking Jak, a run on the boardwalk/beach (Jak stayed home for that), garage sales and applying for jobs.  The only thing new to add was hanging on the futon.  I can't tell if Jak has been on it while I am out.  I put a sheet over it just in case.  Dark blue and yellow Jak hair are not a good combination.  I also got my hair cut yesterday and feel hopeful that maybe I've found someone to go to consistently.  I was spoiled back at home with a great hairstylist who also became my friend.  The woman I went to yesterday is probably not someone I'd become friends with (which isn't a requirement) however I liked the way her hair was styled, I like the way she was styling another customer's hair when I walked in and so far I like the way she cut my hair.  And bonus, the place she works is close and reasonably priced.  Yes please and thank you.

I'm working up to one of my philosophical posts but haven't quite pieced it together in my head enough yet to write.  That will have to be another day.  Radar shows a break in the rain so it's time to hop on my bike like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz (minus Jak, the basket is too small for him) and pedal downtown.  I hope that got the wicked witch theme music stuck in everyone's head.  Ha!

Until next time...
Peace & Love,
Hope

P.S. I cut this out of the Pennysaver.  So true.

Some Days You Gotta Dance...And Sing!

Hola Amigos!

*Blog updated at 9:45PM on 7/12/13 with pictures

How goes the battle?  Things here are okay.  I've been doing some cleaning this morning and have the tunes cranked up.  For a while I had the front door open and was treating the neighbors to me singing along with the tunes.  Probably much to their delight the heat of the day finally got me to close the door.  I've also been doing a little dancing along with the music.  This always reminds me of a family friend who every so often plays her old 50's records and just dances to her heart's content.  Music and dance are both good for the soul, I say.

Yesterday the frame for my futon arrived and I started putting it together.  And then I got blisters trying to put it together, due to marginal tools and lack of strength in my hands.  Today the mattress arrived so more motivation to get back to putting it together.  I am actually excited to have a piece of furniture that I can stretch out on and watch TV.  Don't get me wrong, my purple chair has served me well, I'm just ready for a little more comfort.  Funny, when the FedEx guy delivered the boxes, he has a drop and run technique.  Set the box down, knock on the door and then take off.  Yesterday I was in the bedroom when he knocked and by the time I got to the door he was out of sight.  Today I only had to walk across the living room and he was almost out of sight when I opened the door and yelled "thank you". There's one guy who's not moving in the laid back style around here.

That's about it from my corner of the world.  Sorry no pictures today.  Maybe I'll post some when the futon is up and running.  Though I may be too busy lounging on it to be bothered with taking pictures.  Ha!  I hope everyone has a fun weekend or at least one with some lounging time.

*Happy Half Birthday to me! I got the futon put together.  I also didn't realize how tan I am until I saw this picture of myself.  Love my vitamin D!

Happy Friday!
Until next time...
Peace & Love,
Hope

P.S. As an added bonus, I've started making travel arrangements for a visit home.  Just have to figure out how to get to the UPS store.

It's Been A While

Hello Friends, Family and Family that are Friends,

This morning I write under watchful eye.  The weapon is not necessary though.  I know it's been a while since I've written and I'm working to change my lax ways.

I found this guy washed up the beach the other day and decided he must come home with me.  At the time I didn't realize he was the blog writing enforcer or I might have left him.

Life here has been about the same.  Jak is doing okay.  We've been walking about a mile every other day and keeping it shorter in between.  Yesterday I thought I noticed his gait to be a little off again so I will keep an eye on that and make sure he gets his rest today.

I had a job interview at the beginning of last week.  My first since I have been here and I think it went well.  Actually I think it's hard to say how it went as I am unable to assess what the interviewers are looking for.  Instead I will just say that I gave honest answers and did not walk away from it feeling like I said something I shouldn't have.  Since the interview, in casual conversation a few people have mentioned that I should apply at this company so perhaps that is a good sign.  I also stopped to visit previously mentioned family friends in the next town and she kept saying "I have a good feeling about this."  I'll take all the positive thoughts and enthusiasm I can get.  It's time for me to get back to work.

Last night I attended the Coke Zero 400, the same race I went to last year that really was the start of my journey to make the move down here.  I ended up sitting between two older gentlemen that I will refer to as my two dads.  The guy on my left kept offering me candy, Breathsavers, Altoids.  I finally asked if he was the 7-11.  He laughed and said no, that he's a recovering addict that's trying not use.  I told him to do whatever he needs to to stay clean.  He made the trip up from Del Ray alone and was driving back again last night.  I hope he had a safe trip.  On the other side of me sat Richie.  He explained to me that he was wearing a Jeff Gordon hat not because he was a fan but because he got the hat at a yard sale for $.25.  I could certainly appreciate that.

I realized this morning that the appeal of going to the race was not to see who would win, but to just be in that atmosphere and soak it in.  I love the roar of the cars on the race track.  I love to watch the people around me.  It's a culture I grew up in and though I don't devotedly watch all of the races anymore, being at the track is a place I feel at home.

The following are some pics I took last night at the race (for my picture book blog readers).  The first two are the front stretch pre-race.  The third one, I just liked the clouds and was thankful they were puffy white and not bringing rain.  The fourth shot was the flyover and the last shot was the flags waving in honor of the 4th of July.

Among my ambitions for the day is to clear off my kitchen table.  It seems to be suffering from the "clutter a flat surface" phenomenon.  I've already sorted through and thrown away a tree's worth of receipts.  (Please don't tell Rick - he'll come find me and give his paper wasting presentation.)

I hope everyone has had a safe and happy 4th of July weekend. 
Until next time...
Peace & Love,
Hope

P.S.  My two dads.  First picture is of 7-11, second picture is Richie, both taken covertly.