I just read this article about the Inner Stoic and it is exactly what Brene Brown is talking about when she refers to foreboding joy. I know when we have talked about the subject, we have struggled to define it in a way we both understand. I am hoping this different take on it will help clarify.
The Inner Stoic Takes A Back Seat
Something that you might not know about me at first glance is that I can be stoic. I am writing about it today because I think this hidden stoicism is more common among us than we know or admit.My inner stoicism takes the form of not caring about the results that I get. Sure, I commit myself enthusiastically to new projects, roles, and relationships. I do all the right things, and try hard… on the surface. But, at the end of the day, I sometimes deliberately don’t really care if I succeed or not. I make sure that I have a great back-up plan, and then if my original plan fails, I don’t really care because I have the next adventure waiting. And, it probably will be a better adventure than the original one, anyway.
I recently came face-to-face with this “I don’t care” stoic side of me when I tried my hand at organized drag racing. Yes, the sport where you drive as fast as you can down a track, and see who crosses the finish line first. There is a lot of pressure in this sport: you are pitted against an opponent who is trying to intimidate you, you have to make split-second reactions, and the whole thing is over in under 20 seconds. And yet, as I approached the start line, for my first race ever, I was calm. Why? Because in my mind, I had already decided that I didn’t care if I won or not. “This is just a silly sport,” I told myself. “What does it matter if I can drive faster than someone else or not? Soon, this will all be over and I can go out and have a yummy dinner with my man.”
That, my friends, is my inner stoic. It is a brilliant trait to cultivate if you never want to feel disappointment. If I can convince myself that I don’t really care about an outcome, then I don’t feel upset if I lose. Of course, I don’t feel terribly happy if I win, either, but it seems a reasonable trade-off to make.
The problem with having an inner stoic is that there is a huge cost to keeping it around: so long as I convince myself that I don’t really care about something, then I never fully commit to it and make it succeed. I don’t have the fire lit under my butt to make it work, or “die trying.”
Legend has it that when Cortes invaded Mexico, he knew that his men didn’t fully care if they conquered Mexico or not. So what did he do? He sunk his ships so that his men couldn’t ever return from Mexico. They were forced to care because, all of a sudden, they had no back-up plan. And so conquer Mexico they did.
Where in your life are you being the “I don’t care” stoic? What is the truth about how much you care? What do you need to be committing yourself to?
Until next time...
Peace & Love,
Hope
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